A Time of Reflection

Happy National Coffee Day for all you coffee lovers out there! (I personally love tea and lattes the most, but also enjoy a hot cut of coffee!)

Today, as September comes to a close, I sit in a moment of reflection of where I came from, my past, and how far I've come. This is pretty heavy for me to write, but I want you to know ME, I'm not superficial or fake, I'm real and deep.

I grew up in a home of emotional abuse, a father who was never there for me, the massive anxiety spikes, but yet I grew up around love. In 2014, my father left us, he said he "needed a break". That's when shit hit the fan. My anxiety went through the roof, many sleepless nights of nightmares and waking up crying. Oh, did I mention, a week after my father left I totaled my car? Talk about bad timing, but I walked away with only a bruise on my arm. 

The divorce was nasty between my mom and my dad, all over the typical money and custody of my little brother. Let's just say I haven't seen or spoken to my dad since Valentine's day of 2015. In 2016, I changed my last name to my mom's maiden name. Honestly, no one convinced me to change it, no one forced me to change it. It was my own decision and a decision that I don't regret or was afraid of doing. Later that year, I found out that my dad basically didn't care about me nor my future and that he was living a double life. The hope that I was holding onto shattered in a million pieces. I felt broken, betrayed, abandoned, and extremely sad. I felt like this for a while, it took some time to get out of that crappy funky mood. 

As I look at this all, there's some thoughts that come up. First, I can thank my dad for teaching me what I didn't want in a man, a husband, or a father for my own children. Second, he did the best he could with what he knew how to. Third, I know he still loves me and is proud of me even though I don't speak to him. I have an amazing boyfriend of 4 years which we are now living together, I graduated from Marist College with my bachelor's degree earlier this year, I own my own online business that I've built from the ground up with two beautiful programs, I work with clients from every corner of the world, and I'm changing lives! My dreams have turned into goals, which are actually turning into my reality! I'm pretty damn proud of myself!

Will I or do I have a relationship with my dad? No, probably not. I do want to write to him though, which is ok. I do want him to know how I'm doing, what's going on in life, and how impactful my purpose is on this Earth. To know that I have completely forgiven him is probably the most radically transforming and empowering act I've ever done in my life. I forgive him for everything and I am at peace about this. I have no negative thoughts towards him or about him anymore. 

Why am I sharing all of this with you though? Because I hope that this will help bring some sort of peace into your life or to begin the process of healing and forgiving. To forgive someone does not mean to forget, but rather to free yourself. Sure, you'll feel feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, etc., but I promise you it's so worth it. Many people say that I am courageous and brave for what I'm done, but I know in my soul that God wanted me to forgive like I've already been forgiven. I know He wanted me to do this and made me go through all of this to be able to help other women. This is my soul purpose, I went through everything I went through in order to be here with you right now. 

With this, I hope you spend some time today in reflection and beginning your journey to forgive and heal whatever wounds you are dealing with.

Much love & blessings,
Kailee